WHEN ONE PARTNER WANTS MORE

Your Question

My husband has lost all interest in sex. I have tried everything to get him interested again but nothing has worked. I would appreciate any suggestions you could make.

My Answer

I can only suggest that you find a way to speak with him honestly and get him to talk about his feelings. Is there something else going on? Is he feeling bad about himself in some way that’s affecting his sex drive? Is he angry at you for something and not sharing it? Is this just one of his low desire times? Couples must deal with the fact that each of us sometimes is in a low desire period when the other is not. We must learn to deal with that and wait for our partner to get through that period. The essential thing is communication, sharing your feelings with each other. If there is a serious problem, it might be wise to consider couples counseling. You must get him to understand that we all have our needs and we must be taken seriously. And that couples must communicate honestly and always! Good luck!

Hope this helps!

Your Question

My wife and I have been married for over 3 years now and everything is good except our sex life. Before we got married she wanted to fool around all the time, she wanted more than I did. But ever since we got married she hardly wants it at all. It’s like pulling teeth to have sex. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get her in the mood, I have failed. What can I do?

My Answer

Low desire seems to be one of the biggest complaints I receive. I would ask you the same as I ask the others: Have you spoken to her about this? What does she tell you? Often relationship problems turn up in the bedroom. Is there something going on in your relationship that you two haven’t yet dealt with? Communication is so important.

Have you had children? Often women suffer low desire for a while after giving birth, or from being so exhausted from taking care of the children.

If it’s none of these things, perhaps you two need to visit a counselor together. Someone outside the relationship can be more objective and often can help you both hear each other better and understand what’s going on. You can call the American Associatoin of Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) at 804-752-0026 for names of counselors in your area. Or you can try one of the many on line therapists like Dr. Patti at www.yoursexcoach.com or Dr. Marty Klein at www.sexed.org.

It’s important to talk about this and see what’s behind your partner’s lack of desire. At the very least it may be that you two simply have different levels of desire in which case you’ll need to find a way to work on meeting both your needs. It’s important that without coming off as pressuring her that you let your wife know that you are unhappy and it is a serious issue for you.

Hope this helps!

Your Question

My wife of almost 14 years has little or no interest in sex! I would like to make love to her daily. She thinks once a month is plenty. She is not interested in anything new or different. She is very conservative and it is causing me great frustration. I help around the house, compliment her, help with the kids, try to be affectionate but she is just not interested. Partly because of her very strict up bringing and partly because she may be very insecure about herself. But, if this is what I have to look forward to for the next 14 years, then I am going to be a VERY unhappy married man. Any suggestions, products, tapes or advise you have would be much appreciated.

My Answer

I hear and understand your frustration. I think different levels of sexual desire in couples is more common than is thought and I have also personally dealt with this myself. What do we do when we love someone and want it to work but it becomes clear that we have very different sexual needs? We then have to ask ourselves what’s really important to us: the love we share with this person or the sexual needs we have that are not being met. This can be a very difficult and painful question to try and answer. But before we get to that point, it’s important to exhaust other possibilities, as you’re suggesting in searching for a book or a video tape.

Off the top of my head, since your wife is not interested in new things, I don’t think information about other techniques or “hot spots” like the g spot will be of much interest to her. Perhaps a more “spiritual” approach to sex would be more effective. Have you considered exploring “Tantric” sex? There are many books, videos and courses about this ancient form of love making that emphasizes a more loving and spiritual connection between the lovers. One of the best web sites for such books and videos is Tantra.com. There are also terrific “edutainment” videos that show loving couples dealing with issues and having honest, intimate sex, such as those produced by BetterSex.com.

Somehow you need to get her to understand your needs and the seriousness of it what you feel. Perhaps visiting a counselor together is in order. There are many wonderful counselors available in all areas of the country. If you call the main headquarters of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) at 804-752-0026, they can give you names of therapists in your area. It’s sometimes extremely helpful to bring in someone on the outside who can be more objective. They can help you both express yourselves and better understand each other’s needs. There are also therapists whose focus is on reconciling sexual needs with religious feelings and/or strict, conservative upbringings. Good luck!

Hope this helps!

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